?

Log in

- - What am I meant to do now that you're gone? - - [entries|friends|calendar]
oxwaiting4youxo

[ website | Myspace is for the cool kids O_o ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

1got lost in the moment

[11 Oct 2006|07:58am]
[ mood | crappy ]

Haha, I don't even wanna post about Japan.
So sorry guys. But I really can't.
Emotionally unstable, I think.
I miss Japan so much. And nobody but the people who were on the trip really get it.
Someday I probably will mention it in passing.
But it's nice to keep it to myself.

I had fun though.
64 days until China :D

3got lost in the moment

[23 Sep 2006|07:25pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Last entry before I go to Japan.
I pretty much had an awesome day today.
And yeah.
I pretty much don't know what to do.
But Japan, tomorrow.
So yeah.
I'm focused on that.

See you all in two weeks.

got lost in the moment

[21 Sep 2006|10:02pm]
[ mood | cold ]

And in the midst of the December sunlight
Not armed with the wisdom of a thousand minds
All she does is slip on her shoes.
They’re not pink this time, and her throat is bare
this road doesn’t twist into the tales of the fairies
or down the pathways of faith -
Life’s never that simple anymore.

And her thoughts float in…

she lives and feeds off memories; her photo albums tell it all
a split-second of sanity, then painted skies she can’t recall
oh, sweet innocence, where does the angel’s melody begin?
play the record back ten years, before her blood committed sin


…and she breathes out – her eyes open -
each ray of gold pours into seas of blue
yet still the moments of the piano plinking
and flashbacks of fantasies flying past
- they’re hanging on a thread -
she’s hanging on one single thread

as the music plays…


like a montage mapping, home in one push of rewind
November’s eve spent laughing – but she’s leaving it all behind –
and while leaving comfort zone, the next road’s playing suicide
somehow without His hand, her mental thoughts start to collide


…and the lyrics fade, a simple tune
to contemplate the former adoration,
Former worship of the One and Only,
Who’s hand was just out of reach, every time
The lamb had lost its way.

And she stumbles…

Across the one life of a seraph, whose story she’s led to believe
But why did Heaven not answer when she begged upon her knees?
And why did the sound of summer dissolve into the winter’s air?
In half a heartbeat, her mind’s controlled by the devil’s prayer


…then she escapes to another nightmare
each corridor turning into the next
until they all melt into a simple image
of horror, jeering, leering
at the one who failed in misery.

And reality dawns…


in her foolish, childish days, one guardian did point the way
then took courtesy to declare the duration of his stay
and in one movement, ripped out all belief this child once held
left her a decade lost, by tombstones, she built up her shell


…as the clock rings eleven-eleven
her veins pulse at one-twenty -
in time to the rhythm of her footsteps .
With no direction or intention
just a map in her mind, and a novel in her heart
her time limit hits zero.

And she runs…

Away from every shattered thought, her anger fuels her dying fire
She blacked an image of the world He made filled with desire
And cremated every song that celebrates this Heaven’s lie
Threw the pages of His scripture into the mere mortal’s sky


…and she cries ‘life’s never that simple anymore.
My road doesn’t twist into tales of the fairies,
Or down the pathways of faith.’
And in the midst of the December moonlight
Not armed with the safety of a thousand prayers
all she does is run away.



2 days :D

got lost in the moment

[20 Sep 2006|08:36pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

So today was pretty much crap.
Jeebus.
Like, every day before Japan is going crap.
3 DAYS :D
The people at my work are dickheads to me D:

Who the shit rang me while I was at work? O.o

5got lost in the moment

[18 Sep 2006|07:31pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

6 days.
Well, like, 5 in a few hours.
Last exam tomorrow.
I'm trying to study but I keep getting distracted by him.
Going onto MySpace, reading his comments, just being a flipping psycho.
Love sucks.

got lost in the moment

[18 Sep 2006|04:17pm]
[ mood | angry ]

YEAH.
AND NOW.
NOW.
FUCK.
YOU KNOW, I'M TYPING IN CAPITALS FOR A MOTHERFUCKING REASON.
NOW.
RENDE HAS DECIDED.
THAT HE'S GONNA PISS ME OFF TOO.
ROBERT, RENDE, KELV.
ALL IN THE SPAN OF 24 FRIGGIN' HOURS.
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
AND THEN ROBERT THE OTHER ONE, DECIDES HE'S GONNA BE IN LOVE WITH ME AND WANNA SPEND FOREVER WITH ME.
AND WHAT THE FUCK. AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

OH FUCK.
JUST LIKE.
I DUNNO. SHOOT ME OR SOMETHING.

got lost in the moment

[18 Sep 2006|04:03pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Heyyy, so it's funny.
I'm dropping more and more things before I go to Japan.
It's like Japan's turned into more than just a fun trip. I actually fucking need this now.
It's gonna take my mind off everything, and clear my mind.
While I'm there, I'm going to sort everything out.
Or at least, get an idea of what I'm going to do.
Thanks guys. I love you.

2got lost in the moment

[17 Sep 2006|08:32pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Okay.
Gonna stop thinking about shit.
I'm just telling myself, 7 days.
7 days until I'm out of here for 2 weeks, and I don't have to worry about anything.
7 motherfucking days until I get away from all this bullshit.
7 days.
I swear this is my last entry.
I'll let you guys know how things go.
♥ Sorry about spamming friends pages.

got lost in the moment

[17 Sep 2006|08:28pm]
Forgot to mention.
So apparently, marriage is now the way of proving love.
Not I love you.
Thanks, Kelv.
Thanks.

got lost in the moment

Used this song before but I need it again. [17 Sep 2006|07:52pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I walked across an empty land,
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
I felt the earth beneath my feet,
Sat by the river and it made me complete.


Remember this song? It was playing at that movie. The first time I went to see you without the comfort and support of Aileen. The day I got so worked up about, the moment I thought maybe things could change. I figured it could be the start of it all, but it was just another simple day out. A day just like any other. You didn't see anything special about it. And I know why. I completely know why, because I'm not capable of adoration in that way, am I? That's why it's always been pushed to the back of my mind, a small complication to any relationship I've had. But I could never have it, and so I never thought too much about it. But now, it's just hit me like 60 million bricks smack on my head. Because I know this time I can't really turn back anymore.

I came across a fallen tree,
I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?


I don't regret putting you out of my life for a little while. All I need is a break, and I know if you really do love me you'll wait. If I'm really important to you, you'll wait for me. But I don't expect it to happen. I know that by doing what I did today, I've let you go. And that's why it hurts so much, because the truth is I don't think you really care about me as much as I care about you. You don't think of me how I think of you. And that's why it's never going to work. Maybe it can in the future, when I've discarded everything. But right now, I can't handle it. And I can't go into a relationship knowing that you're going to be in one as well. I've heard so many things about your relationships and I can't handle it. I know I can't listen to another one without being upset. I've done it for so long, and I would do it for longer because you're that important to me, but...-sigh- If you want me to, I still will. I'll listen to you and I'll try to help you in the best way. When we're talking again - Sorry, IF we talk again - I'll do my best to help you and be a better friend than I have been lately. But it seems all I've been doing is bitching to you, and you don't deserve that.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.


You deserve a friend who can talk to you without feelings in the way. You deserve a person better than I could ever be, because you're too good a person for me. Doing this might have been the easy way out, the coward's way out of dealing with something, and I wonder if it's right. I've thought for two days straight about whether or not it's the right thing to do, but how could I do anything else? I can't possibly let out these feelings to you, and mess up 3 other relationships. There's too many people at risk. If I had just found all of this earlier, and stopped denying what's been in my mind all along, then maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have had to go to such extreme lengths, and maybe there could have been a chance. But probably not. Because I never have had a chance. I can't compete with all those girls. There's no way that I could be anything any of them are. I know we're friends but it seriously was all this was destined to be, and I guess this is what I deserve for being a dreamer. I dreamed that maybe someday it would happen like it does on movies. Like, maybe someday you'd realise that all you wanted was me, and that I was the one to complete you. And living off that false hope made it all right. But I've been crushed too many times by the things you've said. And you don't know you're doing it. I'm not going to tell you. Hell, I'd be a dumbass if I did tell you. But I don't to watch again while some girl comes along, messes round with you, and just leaves. You're too good for that.

And if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, so why don't we go...


We never could be together. And yeah, that's possibly one of the most cliche lines I could throw at you, but it would never happen. I can't do other shit for you, I can't amaze you with my personality or my looks. It frustrates me because I would give up any guy for you, even though you're too nice to ask me. I would do it. But what good is that? What good is it if I tell you that I love you, or that I want to be with you? How would that ever help anything? It's not going to change. I can't keep living on the idea that it would, it's the only thing that fuelled me from giving up, but I see it now. I'm walking around in circles, watching the same fire burn and fade away like a cold winter night. The feelings are clear to me, and I know what I have to do to get there. I've had this feeling before about other things, and I never carried out what I should have to make everything all right for myself. This is different though. I can't be friends with you without having something else on my mind. Can't live with you, can't live without you, but when it all comes down to it, when is it ever my choice? Sure, there's paths I can take, but there's only really two possible endings. Either somehow life turns into a fairy tale and we're 'happily ever after' for a few months before everything fucks up, or I decide I can't take it and we just let everything play out in our separate lives.

This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know.


And we both know which road I just walked down.

2got lost in the moment

[17 Sep 2006|07:10pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Ohhkay, um. So. Here we go. The favour. Yeah, I said you could do it, and I know you can do it, not that I'm gonna give you much of a choice. In the least Dominatrix way possible, of course. This is gonna be one of the dumbest things I could possibly ever ask you to do in my entire life, but ehh. I needa do it because well...Okay, we're not going to get into explanations. I could provide you with a shitlong explanation but I don't want to complicate things any more than I already will, and you don't need any other problems in your life anyway. So...I'll stop procrastinating now. It's one of the things I'm best at but if I keep doing it, it's not gonna help any of this.

Ok. Favour. Or command. Whatever you'd like to see it is. Well...

Could you like, just. Not talk to me [i.e. txting, ringing, on MSN, or anything] for a little while? I know it makes me sound like I completely hate you and I'm totally ditching you because I'm a self-centered bitch who really isn't capable of understanding or caring about anyone elses feelings, but I swear that's not the reason. Like I said, I don't want to give you a reason for both yours and my sake. And I know this is going to fuck up our friendship and I hate myself for doing it but I can't honestly talk to you right now. Seriously you're one of the greatest mates I'll ever come across in my life but...Yeah, shit comes up. Shit happens, and shit's been going on since about a year ago. I just want to sort everything out before I become even more fucked up and I can't do it while we're still such good friends. If you choose to replace me, it's okay. I know it might not be that hard, and it's all right really, if you do. If you can find somebody else who can actually provide you with the stuff I can't, then go ahead. I probably can't ever find somebody who is a good a friend to me as you are, and like I said, I hate myself for doing this but...Yeah. I don't have much of a choice, or else I'm going to get in deeper than I want to be with a lot of things.

And that's about all the explanation you're going to get. Maybe I should've done this earlier so you didn't waste time or money today, but I wanted to see you before I went to Japan anyway. And yeah, I'm still gonna buy you a present from Japan for your birthday, because I owe you one. If you can find out when you're going to be at the Events Centre on the first week back of school, email me or something. I'll drop it off for you, with a card and stuff. And um, yeah. See you in...A while.

I still love you, okay? But all this shit is getting to me. Have a good time while I'm gone, and um. Have a nice sleep, I guess. If you hate me, I don't blame you. If you want me out of your life, I don't blame you. But I swear, I'm not doing it because I hate you.

Kelz.


So yeah. I should fucking die. I shouldn't put any more shit on people that they don't need, but this is a lot less shit than he would have gotten if I told him the truth.

You know what I hate? I hate it when I, like, when I have no control over something. That's what I hate. When I can't do anything but sit there and wait for everything to mess up and collapse, because it all does in the end, right? Nothing good lasts forever, nothing's permanent. Even if like, I have the best thing in the world for the rest of my life, it's going to be gone when I die. None of this shit lasts forever, why do we hold on to something that's never going to happen? We drive ourselves crazy trying to fight for the one thing in life that matters to us the most, but in the end, what's the point? It's not like it will ever end up being the way it used to. It never can be, because the truth is, things fucking change. People change. It's never going to work out the way it could have, or should have, because we make the wrong fucking choices, and we let it fuck up. Then we drive ourselves nuts with regret, being like 'yeah I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, so that things will be back to the way they used to be'. But when things go back to the way they used to be, we realise that it's not what we ever wanted. We wanted the security we had before we were betrayed, or rejected. All people want is the memories of happiness that they get from the moments they spend with people. We cling onto this and the person who created the memory, so that we have a sense of security to cling onto.

I think I just fucked up one of my relationships with one of the best people in my life.

But whatever.

Life goes on.

1got lost in the moment

[10 Sep 2006|06:18pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I'm really sick of living a life on the internet.
Really.
I dont even know what I want anymore.
But the internet isn't a part of that life.
It's not part of what I want. The net is just a bit of fun.
But it's not real. And I can't keep hanging on whatever the fuck isn't real.
♥ Megzone was shit awesome.
And I've been procrastinating about my homework.
So I'm gonna do it.
I love you guys ♥

1got lost in the moment

[09 Sep 2006|09:35am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Bahaha, exams again next week.
I'm suffering x_X
So I'm pretty much shut out of LJ because I'm studying my ass off, while procrastinating.
Like I am right now, but I think everybody needs to know where the hell I've disappeared to.
Exams are gay.
Ok.
Thanks.
Bye.

Robert's bday on Monday ♥

5got lost in the moment

[30 Aug 2006|05:41pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

1. Go fucking die. You're not funny, you're not a good friend, and you're not who the fuck I thought you were. I actually hate talking to you now, when I do get to talk to you. You actually are one of the shittest friends somebody could ever have, but you just think you're so fucking good. You're not. Shut the hell up. Nobody cares about you and what the fuck goes on in your life, and when you go to bitch to somebody else, you expect everyone to sit and listen and tell you shit, but you don't fucking help when somebody needs help. You don't deserve to like, eat shit off somebody's shoe. Or something.

2. You piss me off so much. I wish I could kick you the hell out of my life, but I just can't. If I could, you'd be out already. Actually, I think you might be out of it soon. I'm just counting down the days. I bet you do loads of shit behind my back but you just can't face up to me. And you think I'm a fucking coward. Urgh.

3. Same as the above.

4. You're a lot more of a friend to me right now than most people. Never talked to you much before, but yeah. Just. Thanks.

5. I love you ^_^

I should die.
Ok, thanks.

got lost in the moment

[25 Aug 2006|08:40pm]
[ mood | like, whatever ]

Just, whatever.
You can die.
Whatever.

got lost in the moment

[19 Aug 2006|01:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Okok, I'm better I'm better.

got lost in the moment

Kelly starts feeling better? [18 Aug 2006|06:09pm]
[ mood | need to pee... ]

So yeah today, I began channeling my anger. Not the smartest thing to do, to yell at your friends, I know. But I could've done worse. I'm good at ignoring when things piss me off now. Teenage angst, blargh.

Anyway, I came to a revelation today. Well, when I went back to China in 2004, they all said I was fat. So I got really fucking paranoid, and I began eating more because, that's what you do, you drown your sorrows into food, right? And I kept eating and eating and gaining weight, then a few days ago I realised, like what the fuck. I was never fat in the first place, when they told me to fucking lose weight.

All of them shoulda gone and like, humped a tree or something.

Guys in general are pissing me off a bit lately. But I'm all right with it.
Rende still hasn't managed to find that seed of communication.
So in other words, I'm not on speaking terms with either of them right now.
I'm sure that could change over the weekend.
But somehow it's better this way. No shit to worry about.
Thao is beginning to creep me out O_o

Hmmm. Positives, positives...38 DAYSSSSS!!! ;D;D;D Ohh, that makes up for all of this lols. I remember when I used to be like, 'if today is a good day, tomorrow will be a bad day'. So if that theory still works (Le sigh, negativity) then these bad days are saving up to my 2 good weeks of Japan.
Mmm, ramen.

ANYWAY!
Pictures for you guyssss xD
I'm so fucking energetic.
When I went swimming, I actually just went hardout.
And it was really relaxing.
But now I have more energy.
So yeah, pictures.
Uh.
Ok.
-stops talking-
Cool.

Wait wait wait.
THAO IS A FUCKING DUMBASS.
Ok.
Now I'll stop.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

PICTURES? OH MY GAWD, REALLYZ?Collapse )
Yeah, I'm hot, I know.
But not really xD

got lost in the moment

[17 Aug 2006|09:00pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I really wish, that out of nothing else, I hadn't looked at your Myspace.
Because now that I have, I feel like killing her. Actually, I feel like wiping away every girl you have contact with.
The fact that you have contact with girls makes me mad.
Well, not really. I guess it's because you can't provide me reassurance that I need.
Actually.
I don't fucking need you.
I don't need anybody.
I'm sick of everyone's degradation games.
I'm sick of all the mind games, and I'm sick of all the stupid hoes that I know, or the ones that you know.
Oh my god.
I haven't felt this mad for a long time.
Well, I get this mad with my parents but nobody else.
And yet today I feel myself getting this mad and frustrated, wishing I could just 'hook' her, as Teres would say.
Ew. Teres.
Fuck.
Everyone can fucking die.
Wait. Everyone else can fucking live.
I'll fucking die.

got lost in the moment

[15 Aug 2006|05:22pm]
[ mood | fat ]

Mmm, pretzels.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to die.
But pretzels...♥

got lost in the moment

[14 Aug 2006|03:56pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Oh my god.
I think Rende is mad at me.
Like, really mad at me.
Considering he's gone on silence vows and actually hasn't spoken to me for four days straight.
I'm worried.
Really worried.
You know how they say, you never know how much someone means to you until you lose them?
Yeah, here's one of those times.
And he just means so much and ahhh.
I forgot about some of this stuff while I was talking to Kelv, but in all honesty he just can't be what Rende is.
Gahhh.
-shoots self in the head and dies-

He's more than a man
And this is more than love.

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]