oxwaiting4youxo (oxwaiting4youxo) wrote,

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Ohhkay, um. So. Here we go. The favour. Yeah, I said you could do it, and I know you can do it, not that I'm gonna give you much of a choice. In the least Dominatrix way possible, of course. This is gonna be one of the dumbest things I could possibly ever ask you to do in my entire life, but ehh. I needa do it because well...Okay, we're not going to get into explanations. I could provide you with a shitlong explanation but I don't want to complicate things any more than I already will, and you don't need any other problems in your life anyway. So...I'll stop procrastinating now. It's one of the things I'm best at but if I keep doing it, it's not gonna help any of this.

Ok. Favour. Or command. Whatever you'd like to see it is. Well...

Could you like, just. Not talk to me [i.e. txting, ringing, on MSN, or anything] for a little while? I know it makes me sound like I completely hate you and I'm totally ditching you because I'm a self-centered bitch who really isn't capable of understanding or caring about anyone elses feelings, but I swear that's not the reason. Like I said, I don't want to give you a reason for both yours and my sake. And I know this is going to fuck up our friendship and I hate myself for doing it but I can't honestly talk to you right now. Seriously you're one of the greatest mates I'll ever come across in my life but...Yeah, shit comes up. Shit happens, and shit's been going on since about a year ago. I just want to sort everything out before I become even more fucked up and I can't do it while we're still such good friends. If you choose to replace me, it's okay. I know it might not be that hard, and it's all right really, if you do. If you can find somebody else who can actually provide you with the stuff I can't, then go ahead. I probably can't ever find somebody who is a good a friend to me as you are, and like I said, I hate myself for doing this but...Yeah. I don't have much of a choice, or else I'm going to get in deeper than I want to be with a lot of things.

And that's about all the explanation you're going to get. Maybe I should've done this earlier so you didn't waste time or money today, but I wanted to see you before I went to Japan anyway. And yeah, I'm still gonna buy you a present from Japan for your birthday, because I owe you one. If you can find out when you're going to be at the Events Centre on the first week back of school, email me or something. I'll drop it off for you, with a card and stuff. And um, yeah. See you in...A while.

I still love you, okay? But all this shit is getting to me. Have a good time while I'm gone, and um. Have a nice sleep, I guess. If you hate me, I don't blame you. If you want me out of your life, I don't blame you. But I swear, I'm not doing it because I hate you.


So yeah. I should fucking die. I shouldn't put any more shit on people that they don't need, but this is a lot less shit than he would have gotten if I told him the truth.

You know what I hate? I hate it when I, like, when I have no control over something. That's what I hate. When I can't do anything but sit there and wait for everything to mess up and collapse, because it all does in the end, right? Nothing good lasts forever, nothing's permanent. Even if like, I have the best thing in the world for the rest of my life, it's going to be gone when I die. None of this shit lasts forever, why do we hold on to something that's never going to happen? We drive ourselves crazy trying to fight for the one thing in life that matters to us the most, but in the end, what's the point? It's not like it will ever end up being the way it used to. It never can be, because the truth is, things fucking change. People change. It's never going to work out the way it could have, or should have, because we make the wrong fucking choices, and we let it fuck up. Then we drive ourselves nuts with regret, being like 'yeah I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, so that things will be back to the way they used to be'. But when things go back to the way they used to be, we realise that it's not what we ever wanted. We wanted the security we had before we were betrayed, or rejected. All people want is the memories of happiness that they get from the moments they spend with people. We cling onto this and the person who created the memory, so that we have a sense of security to cling onto.

I think I just fucked up one of my relationships with one of the best people in my life.

But whatever.

Life goes on.
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