oxwaiting4youxo (oxwaiting4youxo) wrote,

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Used this song before but I need it again.

I walked across an empty land,
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
I felt the earth beneath my feet,
Sat by the river and it made me complete.

Remember this song? It was playing at that movie. The first time I went to see you without the comfort and support of Aileen. The day I got so worked up about, the moment I thought maybe things could change. I figured it could be the start of it all, but it was just another simple day out. A day just like any other. You didn't see anything special about it. And I know why. I completely know why, because I'm not capable of adoration in that way, am I? That's why it's always been pushed to the back of my mind, a small complication to any relationship I've had. But I could never have it, and so I never thought too much about it. But now, it's just hit me like 60 million bricks smack on my head. Because I know this time I can't really turn back anymore.

I came across a fallen tree,
I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

I don't regret putting you out of my life for a little while. All I need is a break, and I know if you really do love me you'll wait. If I'm really important to you, you'll wait for me. But I don't expect it to happen. I know that by doing what I did today, I've let you go. And that's why it hurts so much, because the truth is I don't think you really care about me as much as I care about you. You don't think of me how I think of you. And that's why it's never going to work. Maybe it can in the future, when I've discarded everything. But right now, I can't handle it. And I can't go into a relationship knowing that you're going to be in one as well. I've heard so many things about your relationships and I can't handle it. I know I can't listen to another one without being upset. I've done it for so long, and I would do it for longer because you're that important to me, but...-sigh- If you want me to, I still will. I'll listen to you and I'll try to help you in the best way. When we're talking again - Sorry, IF we talk again - I'll do my best to help you and be a better friend than I have been lately. But it seems all I've been doing is bitching to you, and you don't deserve that.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

You deserve a friend who can talk to you without feelings in the way. You deserve a person better than I could ever be, because you're too good a person for me. Doing this might have been the easy way out, the coward's way out of dealing with something, and I wonder if it's right. I've thought for two days straight about whether or not it's the right thing to do, but how could I do anything else? I can't possibly let out these feelings to you, and mess up 3 other relationships. There's too many people at risk. If I had just found all of this earlier, and stopped denying what's been in my mind all along, then maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have had to go to such extreme lengths, and maybe there could have been a chance. But probably not. Because I never have had a chance. I can't compete with all those girls. There's no way that I could be anything any of them are. I know we're friends but it seriously was all this was destined to be, and I guess this is what I deserve for being a dreamer. I dreamed that maybe someday it would happen like it does on movies. Like, maybe someday you'd realise that all you wanted was me, and that I was the one to complete you. And living off that false hope made it all right. But I've been crushed too many times by the things you've said. And you don't know you're doing it. I'm not going to tell you. Hell, I'd be a dumbass if I did tell you. But I don't to watch again while some girl comes along, messes round with you, and just leaves. You're too good for that.

And if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, so why don't we go...

We never could be together. And yeah, that's possibly one of the most cliche lines I could throw at you, but it would never happen. I can't do other shit for you, I can't amaze you with my personality or my looks. It frustrates me because I would give up any guy for you, even though you're too nice to ask me. I would do it. But what good is that? What good is it if I tell you that I love you, or that I want to be with you? How would that ever help anything? It's not going to change. I can't keep living on the idea that it would, it's the only thing that fuelled me from giving up, but I see it now. I'm walking around in circles, watching the same fire burn and fade away like a cold winter night. The feelings are clear to me, and I know what I have to do to get there. I've had this feeling before about other things, and I never carried out what I should have to make everything all right for myself. This is different though. I can't be friends with you without having something else on my mind. Can't live with you, can't live without you, but when it all comes down to it, when is it ever my choice? Sure, there's paths I can take, but there's only really two possible endings. Either somehow life turns into a fairy tale and we're 'happily ever after' for a few months before everything fucks up, or I decide I can't take it and we just let everything play out in our separate lives.

This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know.

And we both know which road I just walked down.
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